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CriticalMassX
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Name: Ryan
Location: Jenkintown, Pennsylvania, United States
Birthday: 2/22/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: anything, everything, mostly photography, snowboarding, starting riots, listening to music, driving, lighting fires, then putting them out, taunting police officers, breaking expensive things, smoking cigarettes, fucking around, littering, doing stupid shit, and, uh, {clears throat} writing.
Expertise: chaos theory, covert evasion techniques, riot psychology, guerilla warfare, shao-lin shadowbox, bushido, shadow ninja style, shady disappearence tactics, wu-tang sword
Occupation: Operations
Industry: Government
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  chaostheory1987
Member Since:
7/9/2004
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| moving right along.... almost forgot about this little space... never visit it anymore. no longer a place for my thoughts... what went though my head long ago when i started this has come and gone, thoughts feelings emotions i felt so real are gone. all i know is that i love my life now, and if i died now i would die happy because i know what REAL LOVE is. i feel it and i know its real because she loves me right on back. my life could be chaotic, if not for another year of harmony in my soul. sometimes i marvel at how twisted my soul is. other times i marvl at myself for believing that whole bit about having a twisted soul. guess i'll never know. my boy shadow knows about being tormented inside... stay strong through the rough times man. i live in alot of fantasy, not so much reality. if i wsa lucky, i wouldnt have to live either of them... i could just be me. what does it all mean, all this shit i seen.... | | |
| today... today's gonna go buy quickly; already i can tell. first i have to go to the courthouse and turn in my drinking citation. the cop said they'd drop it to disorderly conduct so it wouldnt affect my license, but i'd have to plead not guilty. oh well, just a little but f disorderly conducts not a big deal...
next i have to go to outback to take this personality test or whatever... angelo said if i pass it i have the job, so that means i'll pass it no matter what... i need a job... he said they'd start me as a host, but at least i got my foot in the door.
after that, i gotta roll up to montco and study my ass off for this test... graphing quadratic equations... i know i'm going to fail; i got the algebra part down, its no problem... i just cant make a graph if my life depended on it. i cant bomb this test, my final is going to count for a test grade also so i gotta do the best i can... we'll just see if my best is good enough.
good enough....
everything's been a test lately... not like a school test, like little life tests... tests of my will, test of my stregnth... test to endure the trouble which is always up the road.... i was never scared of anything or anyone. i've only spent two days without her and i miss her so much already... without a call or a post card... i feel lonely inside. its funny.... i never thought i'd feel the same way i feel about amanda. i felt that way about someone but it wasnt real... i just saw it how i wanted to see it. with amanda.. i know that what she says is genuine, that when she kissses me i know it means something.
i sit here and reflect on my life... i think about all the friends i had and all the girls i dated and where everyone wound up, just a few years down the line... it all went to shit. i could be a crackhead or i could be wating for a judge to hand me down a sentence and i could be in pain and i could be tormented and my life could suck.... but it doesnt.
i may not have much... but i like having little, as opposed to having alot. i have nothing to hide behind; no money, not a big house, or a nice car... if i learned one thing, its this:
sometimes it sucks when you dont have much, but when it really matters; your personality shines brighter than anything else.
when i die, i want to be remembered for who i was and what i did with my time here.
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| car is great, work sucks, montcos good, mandas good.... a few months ago i never dreamed of things the way they are... but now i can say with certainty that i am happier than now with my life than i have been up until now.
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| 7 days....
counting down...
i kinda have a plan for myself, in terms of how i'm going to support myself through school. i need to be working, i cant just go to montco and not have a job. wawa becomes more of a shitty job every day.... management there is just not on the same page as everyone else. i'll probably try for a restaurant job or something like that.
proms coming up... nine days. got my tux, different that the one i had last year... all black this time, with a green tie. saving money by not taking a limo; if i take my car, not only ill i get there faster, i can use the time to get nicely blunted before i walk past the school administration and the cop with the breathyliser.
i know that when that night comes, it'll be a night that i will want to remember... in the night, there is a beginning... last year i went to my senior prom knowing that what i had was on the fringe of collapse... and that weekend it did. i hope this is a night that i will want to remember... instead of one i hope to forget...
my love for her grows with every passing day...
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| so i'm all set for montco... got my tuition paid up, got my id, got my parking sticker.. i even got my book, and i even flipped through it a little. basic algebra and so on... nothing i cant handle. college always seemed like a big deal... maybe if it was a better school than montco it would be, but i can't really say i'm excited... more anxious i guess, to see if i can do the whole school thing again. i'm not doing anything more important with my life... barely making enough money to cover car insurance... i wish my parents paid for that, and every other financial responsiblity... but in a way, i'm glad its like this... because i can use this to make myself more independent, more adult...
i dont even feel old, but i'm getting there.
and having a hell of time along the way...
...still kickin...
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